Dear Thirteen Year Old Me,
It's not too often that I think of you. It's been eight years, and remembering you is still difficult...the memories are vivid, but I wish they were not. But here are some things I wish I could tell you:
In a few years, you will finally truly experience God for the first time. I wish you would experience Him right now and save yourself from the hopelessness and the pain and the scars. I know you want to give up, but a meaningful life is coming for you, so hold on just a little bit longer. You will finally meet your savior here on earth, and He will save you in every sense of the word. He is the hero you don't even realize you need yet.
People say terrible things to you. Their words cut you down, and you are allowing it. You allow others' hurtful words to become your genuine thoughts. Here is the truth, though. You are not defined by the words of bullies, of those who hate you for simply being you. I wish you knew the words of Psalm 139:14...a reference now tattooed forever upon me because of what you're facing. You have so much worth, but you are blind to that truth right now. I promise that one day, in a few years, the words that you are allowing to define you will be nothing...you will be defined by God's truth.
I know that right now, you have no thoughts on how serious it is to be hurting and scarring yourself. You think you will spend your entire life doing this, and that it is the key to continue living. I know you don't believe this, but one day you will stop. You will be free of your newly formed addiction. I wish you cared about the reality of permanently scarring yourself. I wish you understood that the body you are in was created by God, and that it is beautiful and precious for that reason alone. I wish you understood that you deserve better from yourself. But it's ok. I forgive you, and I am not ashamed of you. Your pain is my testimony; what you use for darkness, I now use for light.
You're going to be okay. I know that you feel like you're alone, drowning, and hopeless. I know that you are overwhelmed by the intensity of your pain, depression, and self-hatred. I know you think, and sincerely hope, that you will never even make it to the age of eighteen. But here I am, twenty one years old, saying that the season you are in will eventually pass. When you meet God oh so soon, it will change everything.
If I could travel back and tell you that you made it to your twenties, and that you are truly happy, you would never believe me. For awhile, I was ashamed of you...of your thoughts, of your actions, and of the pain you cause yourself and those that love you. But I have learned to love you because God does, and every not-okay thing you have done and will do will ultimately not be in vain. God will use your painful, shame-filled choices for His glory. While I wish you would go down a brighter and straighter path, I am where I am now because of you. So thank you for surviving long enough for God to touch your life...I live fully today because you held onto your existence by a thread. God will help you overcome all of your shameful, self-destructive ways, and because of that, I now know He will help me overcome anything I might face. I am a better and stronger person because of you. You are not some past version of me that I hate and regret. You are a testimony that God can take a dark and hardened heart, and He can transform it into something beautiful and full of life.
The woman you never imagined you could be